Here I am lying in bed next to my oldest daughter while my grand daughter plays on my iPad. The day after Thanksgiving my oldest daughter calls wanting to spend the night. Dorothy and Deanna are off at Friends houses and I am all alone so of course I say yes, no matter the cost.
Samantha tells me she misses sleeping next to me. Something she hasn't done since she was a small girl, and something I never though she would miss. It fills my heart with happiness and sadness all at the same time. She was the baby who as soon as she was done breastfeeding wanted to be put down to sleep. No cuddling for her.
Last night as we slept or rather while she slept I brushed her hair with my fingers behind her ears and once I fell asleep was able to put my arm around her while we slept. I know she is skinny but being able to feel her bones while sleeping made it clear to me she is slipping away from us and I want to be able to help her heal.
She may not be my oldest child or my only child but she is my child, and I don't want to see any harm come to her. She has two beautiful daughters who lover her bunches and to think of them growing up without their mother breaks my heart.
Samantha for some reason just never realized just how beautiful she has always been. This sickness took over her mind, leaving her fighting everyday for her life.
Last night she took a shower and tried to take her potassium and she had to fight to keep it down, losing the battle but hoping enough of it stayed down to keep her from having to visit the hospital again.
Most of her hospital stays have been pretty much her on her own. With us having no vehicle or way to get to her we have been left to wonder if she is getting the care she needs, if she will make it through this time. It is scary as a parent when the phone rings and the first thing you think of will it be the call to tell you she isn't here anymore.
This is a child I stayed with while she was baby in the hospital never leaving her side, taking over all of the care for her once the Nurses taught me how to. The child I breastfed, even after having a bought of mastitis that caused blood poisoning, a child who a I made sure had everything we could afford so she could grow up healthy. She had all of her shots, we told her how beautiful and proud we were of her.
As a teen she was a teen mom who we supported all of the way. She continued school through her pregnancy was the first to pump milk for her daughter while attending high school, and finished on time with a scholarship to college. She is smart, beautiful, and brings joy to our hearts. I pray for her health every night but know that God will only do what he has planned, which I know not.
As a mother I worry about my children. I miss the ones I don't see often, love the time with those who are home, while praying for their salvation and health. I love them all the same but worry about my Samantha the most. She needs me as a mother and with what we are going through it is hard to give her the care she so desperately needs.
As I am ending this I can hear her breathing which is like music to my ears. If there is breath there is life which gives me hope of another day with this sweet child of mine. So begins another day with a daughter battling anorexia and bulimia.
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