This Christmas is very different

 This Christmas is very different, and at first, I felt horrible. Then I kept seeing post after post about others who were late putting up their trees, hadn't started shopping, lost a loved one, didn't feel in the Christmas Spirit, posts from families looking for help this Christmas season, etc. and I realized we weren't alone. 

Prices are higher everywhere, and people are struggling to keep a roof over their heads, keep food on the table, and clothe their families, there is war and turmoil throughout the world, overdoses, suicide, genocide, crime, you name it. I am sure you or someone close to you is having a rough time too.

Our family is falling apart, we have had our share of bumps this year that have turned our world upside down. Have we given up? Most certainly not, we just need to regroup and trudge forward. In the end, we will come out stronger and wiser. 

Life is a never-ending path of feeling hopeless and accomplished, feeling clueless and learning, falling and picking oneself up, going without and helping others, feeling idol, and then growing by leaps and bounds. 

This year my faith has been tested more times than I can count. My heart has been broken in so many ways it felt like I was going to die. People have said many awful things to me and about me, all I can do is keep praying and know that we are not alone, others are struggling just like our family. 

I am thankful to have friends who have been there for me through it all, checking up on me, listening to me, cheering me on, giving me advice, and trying to cheer me up by posting funny memes, words of wisdom, or verses from the Bible, as well as praying for our family. Most of all I am glad I have Jesus because even when I feel most alone I am reminded that he never leaves my side.

So for those who are struggling this year with Christmas or any of the Holidays know you are not alone. 

Thanksgiving

 I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Last year this time I was still in the hospital not being able to eat anything due to having and NG tube in from complications after my surgery to remove my Cancer in my colon. 

Since I finished my Chemotherapy back in July I have been getting really excited for the Holidays. My oncologist office adopted our family for Thanksgiving which was really nice they provided pretty much everything we could need for dinner. With prices they way they are on food I also got a free turkey from our local Shop Rite from spending so much money on food during a set period of time. I tried to gift the turkey but no one ever responded so we ended up cooking 2 turkeys. 

Cooking the turkeys was a nightmare. When we moved here my Turkey roaster never made it so we bought one of those counter top roasters that everyone raves about. Well ours never cooked the turkey so when we should have been eating we were just putting it into our oven. I think we just got a damaged turkey roaster and I am not sure when we bought it so I couldn't return it to the store so we just had to throw it away. 

Once the turkey was done the feast was ready to be eaten, and boy did we eat. I had a little bit of everything and enjoyed every bite. So very different from last year. When we were done, and getting ready for dessert my daughter Nesie came with her boyfriend Paul to drop Bean off for the weekend. I get Bean (our nickname for my granddaughter Lillyann) most vacations and holidays so they can work without worrying about her. 

They had thanksgiving with Paul's parents this year and his mom decided to just do a turkey breast. Nesie's favorite part of the turkey is the drumstick and oddly enough it is also Paul's favorite too. Since we made two turkeys they took three legs and left one here for Dorothy to pick at since it is her favorite part too. It was awesome to see the joy on their faces when they were wrapping up their turkey legs to enjoy later at their home. 

I was so excited to have most of my girls home at some point during thanksgiving and just overly thankful to be alive and enjoying time with my family. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. 

Homeschooling for the second year

 

We aren't new to homeschooling (we homeschooled my nephew who we have had since he was a baby) and wish we really did it with our first child and continued with all of them. With that being said on July 27,2021 we made the decision to homeschool our youngest child. Between Covid -19, remote learning, and the public school system doing a great disservice in teaching my children (at least the last two) we felt we needed to take the reigns so our youngest child would be better prepared for what the future may hold for her.

Little did we know I would find out that soon after that I had cancer and then find out it was Stage 3 Colon Cancer. My immune system was horrible, to begin with, Chemotherapy didn't make it any better so it was the right move at the right time. Even though last year threw us curve balls we made it through, seeing our child start to blossom, and finding out what she really enjoyed and what she hated in school was worth it. 

We are of course better prepared than we were last year and so far the school year is going well. 

Where I am today

 I thought I would update everyone on how everything is going. One thing I want to reflect on is my fight for disability. I was told when I was 11 years old that I should never work. Did I listen? No, I held down several jobs on farms, babysitting, and working in mom & pop stores as a teenager. Once I was married I worked in a grocery store, mom & pop store, ran my own child care for many years, worked with mentally and physically handicapped children and adults, worked for a movie theater, and did several freelance jobs. 

 When I was pregnant with our 6th biological child my Dr. made me promise once I had her I would not work anymore. I still tried to do freelance jobs which only caused me to get more sick until I just couldn't even do those anymore. 

 As you can see I have tried to make something of my blog but to be honest I don't make very much not enough to pay the bills but enough to get gifts for my family, but that isn't from what I write. That comes from doing surveys which takes time and you don't get rich from that, at least I haven't found a way to. 

 Then I do product reviews which is fun. I get to try out lots of products and introduce my family, friends, and readers to what is available and how I like it. Along with that, I am able to do giveaways for some of the companies as well as work with a whole assortment of bloggers in helping them with their giveaways. Again no payment just free items but it keeps me busy and I can work it around my being ill so often. 

 So back to my disability fight. It took me getting cancer for them to finally put it through. I am considered disabled for the rest of my life. We thought it would be the answer to our financial needs, and I would feel like I was contributing to our family's income. Sadly I was a wee bit short of the points to get SSI on my own. I know I may mess up the different programs up so I apologize, they are confusing enough. So they tried getting me money from another source and they say my husband already brings home too much in his own disability so I am not eligible. I am also not eligible for Medicare so I have to keep applying for Medicaid. 

 It certainly was not the answer we wanted, but it is what it is and has changed our future plans quite a bit, but we are going with it as the path we are supposed to be on and will keep plugging along. The worse part is my lawyer worked for over 7 years on my case and doesn't understand it all either. These are the only cases she does and has never seen one turn out like mine. She was only to get paid if I got money and I didn't so she literally spent years on my case for nothing in return. 

 I had planned to go see the Ocean which I have never seen when I made it through my treatments. We planned to make a big trip next Spring, but I don't think it will happen quite like we wanted it to. We wanted to stop at different places along the way to visit friends, family, and destinations. I know I'll make it to the ocean someday even if that is my children putting my ashes in the Ocean after I am gone. 

Today I awoke so my time here is not done. Thank you to those who stayed long enough to read and hope you will come back again. Hugs. 

Getting through the hard days

  I am a believer in Jesus and know not everyone's path is smooth. I have felt his presence every day. Even on the hardest days, it was him that got me through. Not that my family hasn't helped because they have and even friends helped out a few times bringing things we really needed to be able to get through this. I have several dear friends and family who checked in with me often, calling, sending texts, words of encouragement, things to make me laugh, and most of all praying for me. 

 My husband would just seem to know when I needed him most because I would be really upset or not feeling well. I sleep in the living room on an XL Twin adjustable bed while he sleeps in our room on our old bed. We hope to purchase the other half of my bed so that we can put them together in our room so we can sleep by one another again. Anyways I didn't always want to bother everyone when I was like that since they all did pretty much everything for me during my waking hours. He would just appear, pull over a chair and sit with me until I fell asleep. He even said he would often come out just to make sure I was still breathing.

 He prayed for me, played games with me, cried with me, and made me laugh when I needed it most. Oh don't get me wrong there were days he was so tired even with the help of the kids that he just needed a break, not as many as he would have liked to have I am sure, but when he was able to get a break it seemed like for a while after he would have the strength to get me through some more days. 

 There were nights I told my husband and God that if I died that night I would be OK. I am ready to go home, but sure enough, I would wake up the next day and know that God wasn't done with me yet. I wish I knew what my purpose was but most people never know and it isn't seen or realized until after they are gone. Miracles can be like that too. 

 I have been blessed in my lifetime to have seen many miracles. Some may never get the chance or shall I say open their eyes enough to see them happen. I wish believing in God was easy for everyone. I know there are those who may read this and not have a relationship with God or even believe in him, but that is your choice this is mine and I am not pushing it on you, just relating to how I have gotten through my life. Take what you will but don't be mean just out of spite. Everyone's path is different. You are on yours I am on mine. I wish well to all those who read my blog and hope this will touch everyone in some way. Until another day. Hugs. 

Pump disconnect days are the worst

Another picture from my nephew. 

Monday I was able to start up my Chemotherapy treatments and today I got my pump disconnected. We changed my schedule due to changes in our lives. I had an appetite on Monday, it was Ok yesterday with some nausea in the evening, nausea this morning before going for pump disconnect, then we made a quick trip to Walmart to pick up a bath mat for in the shower so I don't slip, and a thick mat for when I get out of the shower, as well as a floppy sun hat and sunglasses that I will need for when I am out in the sun. I looked in the mirror while trying on sunglasses and saw for the first time some bald spots on my head so it is time to order some hats, wigs, and or scarves. I really thought I would handle this part of it better but it makes me so emotional. I know it will grow back but God gave it to me as a covering and losing it is like losing part of myself. Anyways I also picked up a new nightgown and then home we went where a big box of cooked meals was delivered. They are frozen and just need to be heated up. More on that later. I was able to eat a little lunch and just took another anti-nausea pill hoping it kicks in, so maybe I can get a little nap in. I want to thank everyone who calls, texts, and visits to check on me. It is so much appreciated. Keep those prayers coming. Hugs.

 

My oncologist says Chemotherapy on Monday

 I saw my oncologist today. I start chemotherapy again next Monday. Even though the Surgeon gave the ok she is really worried about my open wounds, so they will be keeping a close eye on me. She also checked the discoloration in my hands which is from chemotherapy, and will also be keeping an eye on that as well as neuropathy. I have some of the use of my left arm and back about 60 % and about 85% of my right hand back. She is hoping chemotherapy won’t set that back but it could. I lost another two pounds even with my good appetite but they say healing after surgery burns a lot of calories, my body must be working overtime, there are so many things it is trying to heal at the same time. So we are a go to move forward. Keep those prayers coming. Love you all. Hugs

Feels so good

 

The other day I got to take my first real shower since before my operation. It felt so good, but boy did it make me tired. Thank you Nesie Alana for my new nightgown.

Can start Chemotherapy again

Health update. Sorry, it has been so long. We have gotten my bowel movements under control at least for now but we are not ready to move the commode back into the bathroom yet. My appetite is pretty good. Still losing weight but not as quickly, at least for now. I saw my surgeon last week and he cleared me to start chemotherapy. He wants to see me in another month to check on my open wounds. I went from one deep open wound to two open wounds due to one of the surface wounds opening up from friction from my breast rubbing on it. My surgeon told me when I start chemotherapy the healing of my wounds will slow down so we have to continue to change the dressing twice a day and keep an eye open for any infection. I see my oncologist Monday if everything is a go I will start treatment up again this week or the next at the latest. I will update again once I see her. I still have a long way to go. Keep those prayers coming. Hugs.

Medical supplies have arrived

 

Most of the supplies for my open wound care is here except the clear covers so I can shower.

Appointment with Primary

 Had my appointment with my primary this afternoon. He said I looked better than he thought I would. Loved the rings my husband got me for Valentine's day, checked and redressed my open surgical spot, filled me up with migraine medication and we caught up on me, and our visit was over till March. At the Dr.s, I ran into one of my cousins from my mom's side and we caught up as well. I literally haven't seen her since my mom died in 2004. I have been thinking of her and praying for her. It was great to see her today. While out and about with my daughter I did a Walmart shop hadn't been in a store since before Christmas. Stocked up on some needed items. Now home resting and getting ready to eat a late dinner with my family. Chili is very mild with Cornbread.

Even though my plates look full I really only eat very little of it but I am still getting nourishment. Some of the meals I have been enjoying are fruit and yogurt, chili, steak, mac and cheese which I have to be careful with makes me feel a bit queasy, green beans, apple sauce, and very mild chili (Dennis Marks Jr. did a good job), canteloupe, scrambled eggs and toast with jam. Tomorrow we are having Cabbage, carrots, potatoes, kielbasi for everyone else, and ham for me. I have had a good appetite so we are taking advantage of it. I am down another 5 1/2 pounds due to the week of not eating between surgery and not feeling well.

While in the hospital

 

They weren’t all gloomy days at the hospital the day after my surgery I had the spa hospital treatment full bed bath, hair wash, that cap is amazing it washes your hair and a rub down with lotion, she even helped me brush my hair. It made me feel so much better. Little things really do make a difference.

Trying something new

 When we did my hair last night we lost a lot of hair so my daughter braided it hoping it will be less stressful on my hair while I am sleeping.

Gallbladder Operation

 My husband did his best to keep everyone updated but got a few things wrong. What Dennis Marks Jr. didn't tell you about my surgery. He wasn't there before they put me out for the operation, things just didn't align. Once he got there he got all settled and after about 5 and a half hours, someone came to my husband and said he needed to go to a conference room. He immediately thought he had lost me. The things that must have gone through his mind in those minutes before the Dr. walked in and asked why he was crying and he said he thought I had died. The operation was over two hours longer than it should have been. Sometime between when I had my scan and when I had my operation my gallbladder burst. Now I have had several operations at this hospital and this was the first time they called him into a conference room, they usually just come right up to him to talk to him.

My heart is filled with Joy

I'll update as strength provides. I was able to eat a bit of dinner last night, and a little bit of breakfast, and I am looking forward to dinner. I was able to get on my computer for a short time. My left arm is really weak so typing is quite a chore, to say the least. I made it through the night without messing myself which is a real huge milestone for us. You would never think poop would be so exciting or scary but we have seen both sides now. God's grace has been so overwhelming for me. Jesus is so good to me. Thank you for all of the support, uplifting words when I needed it most, calls, texts, and those who have gone above and beyond making sure we have supplies and the things we need to get through this. My heart is filled with joy to see the good that is in people. Keep those prayers coming. Hugs

Better Day

 Much better today, the nurse came, and I am picking at a little lunch. A long way to go but ready to move forward. Thank you to everyone who has reached out to us and supported us through this. Keep those prayers coming. Hugs

This is a reminder that when I am better we are taking a beach vacation so I can see friends, family, and most of all the ocean for the first time. My nephew posts a photo almost every day of the scenery from his job and home for me.

Rough Day

 Really rough day for everyone. We just can’t keep up with the laundry with no dryer, and my incontinence is really bad, just feel so useless. When your granddaughter asks why you can’t just get better. Breaks my heart.

We can't afford Disney

 

We can’t afford Disney so Dennis Marks Jr. bought Mickey Mouse for me and he got me a new engagement ring and wedding band, the rings were hidden in the chocolate box.

Update from my husband

 Post my husband put on my Facebook page.

Hello everyone, this is Dennis Marks Jr., Pam's husband...she wanted me to give an update on her recent situation. Today she had her gallbladder removed. The operation took five hours, this is approx. two hours longer than it should have due to the nature of the condition of the said gallbladder. Apparently, it was pretty well messed up and the scans had shown that she had a lot of gallstones the doctor spent extra time making sure he got everything that needed to come out due to the fear that if he had to go back in for anything else she would most likely end up with a hernia.

Pam is currently resting in her room and would really appreciate prayers. During the last operation she went through her stomach and intestines didn't want to work well together and she ended up needing an NG tube to suck everything in her stomach out from the previous three days. She and I would really appreciate prayer that this will not happen again. I would like to thank everyone in advance and also for all previous prayers. I don't go onto Pam's Facebook unless she asks me to so I don't always have the opportunity to thank the many wonderful and Christ-filled friends.

Thank you all again,

They are going to operate again

No mass in the gallbladder just a large stone blocking so my gallbladder is enlarged and I have an infection. We blew a vein this morning and now my port isn’t working right. I am supposed to go down for a radioactive scan of my gallbladder but not sure about vein and port problems. They are trying not to operate if they don’t need to, dangerous like last, but this test should give them the definitive answer on their next step. Same surgical team, so I feel I am in good hands. Jesus is with me every step of the way. Hugs to everyone.

They got my port to work now we can move forward.

Update, they don’t have enough time for a radioactive scan as I will be having surgery first thing in the morning to remove my gallbladder, they are going to try a robot as I will be in a different position and should have no lung problems this time but they are also ready if it ends up being open surgery. I have the same surgery team so they know what they are up against. I should be out by 12 and my husband will update as needed, not everyone can see his posts so hopefully, I will update when I can. Keep me in your prayers. Your words of encouragement mean the world to me. Hugs