This Christmas is very different

 This Christmas is very different, and at first, I felt horrible. Then I kept seeing post after post about others who were late putting up their trees, hadn't started shopping, lost a loved one, didn't feel in the Christmas Spirit, posts from families looking for help this Christmas season, etc. and I realized we weren't alone. 

Prices are higher everywhere, and people are struggling to keep a roof over their heads, keep food on the table, and clothe their families, there is war and turmoil throughout the world, overdoses, suicide, genocide, crime, you name it. I am sure you or someone close to you is having a rough time too.

Our family is falling apart, we have had our share of bumps this year that have turned our world upside down. Have we given up? Most certainly not, we just need to regroup and trudge forward. In the end, we will come out stronger and wiser. 

Life is a never-ending path of feeling hopeless and accomplished, feeling clueless and learning, falling and picking oneself up, going without and helping others, feeling idol, and then growing by leaps and bounds. 

This year my faith has been tested more times than I can count. My heart has been broken in so many ways it felt like I was going to die. People have said many awful things to me and about me, all I can do is keep praying and know that we are not alone, others are struggling just like our family. 

I am thankful to have friends who have been there for me through it all, checking up on me, listening to me, cheering me on, giving me advice, and trying to cheer me up by posting funny memes, words of wisdom, or verses from the Bible, as well as praying for our family. Most of all I am glad I have Jesus because even when I feel most alone I am reminded that he never leaves my side.

So for those who are struggling this year with Christmas or any of the Holidays know you are not alone. 

Getting through the hard days

  I am a believer in Jesus and know not everyone's path is smooth. I have felt his presence every day. Even on the hardest days, it was him that got me through. Not that my family hasn't helped because they have and even friends helped out a few times bringing things we really needed to be able to get through this. I have several dear friends and family who checked in with me often, calling, sending texts, words of encouragement, things to make me laugh, and most of all praying for me. 

 My husband would just seem to know when I needed him most because I would be really upset or not feeling well. I sleep in the living room on an XL Twin adjustable bed while he sleeps in our room on our old bed. We hope to purchase the other half of my bed so that we can put them together in our room so we can sleep by one another again. Anyways I didn't always want to bother everyone when I was like that since they all did pretty much everything for me during my waking hours. He would just appear, pull over a chair and sit with me until I fell asleep. He even said he would often come out just to make sure I was still breathing.

 He prayed for me, played games with me, cried with me, and made me laugh when I needed it most. Oh don't get me wrong there were days he was so tired even with the help of the kids that he just needed a break, not as many as he would have liked to have I am sure, but when he was able to get a break it seemed like for a while after he would have the strength to get me through some more days. 

 There were nights I told my husband and God that if I died that night I would be OK. I am ready to go home, but sure enough, I would wake up the next day and know that God wasn't done with me yet. I wish I knew what my purpose was but most people never know and it isn't seen or realized until after they are gone. Miracles can be like that too. 

 I have been blessed in my lifetime to have seen many miracles. Some may never get the chance or shall I say open their eyes enough to see them happen. I wish believing in God was easy for everyone. I know there are those who may read this and not have a relationship with God or even believe in him, but that is your choice this is mine and I am not pushing it on you, just relating to how I have gotten through my life. Take what you will but don't be mean just out of spite. Everyone's path is different. You are on yours I am on mine. I wish well to all those who read my blog and hope this will touch everyone in some way. Until another day. Hugs. 

Scan and Test results.

 I haven't really written about my health issues since it all began but will be backtracking and adding in posts and hope to be able to have them in some kind of order if you would like to go back and read from the beginning. If the latter is true then just keep your eyes open for that post. 

 When this all began I wanted to keep an online journal here on my blog but things went so quickly even though at the time it didn't seem quick at all. I thought so many things would happen or I would have time for this or that but to my surprise, it didn't go quite like I would have liked it to. 

 For anyone just hoping on this rollercoaster, I call my life, Welcome, grab something to drink maybe even a snack. My name is Pamela, I have been married to my husband for 32 years and dating him for 33 years. We have 6 children. My son is 31, my daughter Samantha is 28, Bryan is 25, Nesie is 25, Deanna is 19, and Dorothy is 14. We also have 4 grandchildren 2 grandsons and 2 granddaughters. 

 I was adopted by my paternal Uncle and his wife. They are who I take about whenever I write about my parents if I talk about my biological then that will be the term I use while talking about them. My parents received me when I was two weeks old. 

 I hadn't been feeling well for quite some time (although to be honest I have been getting sick from the very day I was born). I kept losing strength and sleep was taking up most of my days and nights leaving me feeling even more tired. I knew something was wrong and when I found out I had diverticulitis we thought that was the answer but during a colonoscopy to check on my diverticulitis and at the time seeking a surgeon to remove my sigmoid from my colon they found a mass which they cut and removed which showed Cancer. 

 They were pretty sure they had it all and that I was at most stage 1 Colon Cancer but once they were able to do the Cancer Removal Surgery my results came back Stage 3 Colon Cancer. It had spread to my lymph nodes. As I said I am working on getting my notes from the last year or so together and adding them here so we are now going to take a big jump to now. 

 I finished my chemotherapy on July 21st. I had a few appointments after that date that will be added as I go along but we are going to keep our attention on my first set of scans and tests since then. 

 I had my colonoscopy in mid-September 2022. I have hemorrhoids, and my diverticulitis is still there, but where they did my surgery has healed well, and looks beautiful they said. My mammogram came back clean, but I am still waiting on the ultrasound they took of my ovaries. No news is good news, right? I see that Dr. later this month.

 I had my cat scans last Thursday. My Oncologists office called today to go over them with me. There is something on my thyroid (I already have hypothyroidism, and growth in the same area but not attached to the thyroid) that I didn't get the name of but will be confirming what action is needed next with my Primary Doctor who was given a copy of the scans. Called today but he had already left for the day so hope to hear from him by tomorrow. My oncologist is monitoring a few nodules on or in my lungs. Do forgive me I will update you when I know which it is. Instead of having a clear scan and being able to go another 6 months till my next scan I will be getting more scans in three months to check on my lungs.

 I had hoped to give everyone the all-clear for the next 6 months but it just isn't the case. I guess once you get Cancer you are always waiting for it to strike again. I didn't worry about it till I had it and now I can't shake the feeling of dread every time there is a test no matter how positive I try to be. I have a hard time sleeping and want to spend as much time with my family as I can. There is just never enough time to do it all. 

Today was a good day

 Today was a good day, I had breakfast, and a snack, and looking forward to dinner and dessert. Stuffed peppers, spaghetti, and Waldorf salad.

The mirage of an Oasis

 

Finally, they are letting me have clear liquids. Apple juice, water, and ginger ale.

Update: Shortly after they gave me liquids they took them back away someone made a mistake. So I am back to no solids or liquids only iv fluids, antibiotics, and the small sips of water to take any of the pill forms of medications that I am on. I can’t even chew gum because it stimulates my belly and colon. My mouth and throat are so dry.

At least I have lip balm to keep my lips moist. I had a very uncomfortable night but did get a few hours of sleep. The team and my Drs checked on me this morning they want the antibiotics to get a good hold before reintroducing liquids or solids so not sure how long this stay will be. Thank you to everyone for the calls, texts, comments, and prayers. They mean so much. Hugs

At a standstill

    Between homeschooling, family day, Narnia Night, and having my granddaughter over for the weekend, we have been super busy. Also, we were hit with a lot of information and are still sorting things out.

    First of all, when they find cancer they like to come up with a plan within the first 30 days. Because of my other health issues, it will take a bit more time to sort out. I have to get my Gynecologist to contact my Surgeon to see what his plan for the growth on my ovaries will be.

    When and if they cut me they want it to be once. My biopsies have been sent to a second pathologist for more testing. Also, I have to have more tests to make sure my cancer has not spread. They don't want to do anything with my diverticulitis right now unless it is an emergency and I was told I could eat anything as the seeds, nuts, etc are only a myth (so many doctors and patients disagree with this).

    We talked about weight loss surgery but we have kept food diaries in the past and I eat less than most people so my weight gain doesn't match my intake, so maybe more movement is needed which has gotten seriously less over the last 13 years due to pain from my fibromyalgia, back, and of course more weight gain from not moving as much. There just isn't an easy answer to all of this.

    To be quite honest it seems like we don't have all of the information we need yet. So until the doctor's talk, the results from the pathology come back, and I get more testing we are at a standstill. I am sorry I don't have any better news, my health issues just make it extremely hard for the doctors to come up with a plan to treat or medicate me.

    I hope to have more of an update in the coming weeks. I am scared, this isn't easy on me or my family. We are just praying and taking one day at a time, enjoying the time we have together, and finding joy in each day, until we can take the next step. Thank you to everyone who keeps asking how we are doing and for updates. Keep the prayers coming. Hugs.