I have been holding something back

This post may contain affiliate links. Read my disclosure policy here. 

I have been reluctant to share because I didn't really know how long things would last but as most people in my life know getting water down me is quite hard. I go for a while drinking water and then I won't drink water, of course having kidney problems and having to go to the bathroom often already sucks, but I was sent some Cirkul products to try and did a post on Youtube of my first reaction which you have to see and make sure to stay to the end, my husband kept the camera rolling and caught some off-camera footage. 

With Cirkul I have been drinking water and actually enjoying it. I have only had 2 soda cans since starting and last night because my water wasn't cold yet I actually took one sip of the can of soda they gave me and said nope don't want it and drank more water. Don't get me wrong I only drank diet soda, juice, lemonade, tea both hot and cold, and milk mainly before Cirkul came into my life with very little plain water. 

This morning I even took out my seated elliptical and did some steps. It has been forever since I have had this many steps in and we can already see the change in my energy levels. Mind you I don't think it is just Cirkul doing all of this. Part is because my tests are still showing no more cancer, I can get out and get some sun, and our bleeding disorder is doing a challenge for better health. They even sent me a Virgin Pulse MAX BUZZ activity tracker. 

Either way, water is better for me than other drinks, and making small changes that can help my body heal and get healthier, means the longer I can be around for my family. I do adapt well but my health has always been put on the back burner to take care of my family. As I am aging and much more important after fighting cancer and having several major operations my body is screaming for me to notice that I need to take care of myself. So now it is time to do just that so I can be here for my family for years to come.

If you are interested in trying out Cirkul please use my link to save up to 35% off your order. #drinkcirkul

In closing, I hope you all take some time to take care of yourself in some small way. Hugs. 

Thanksgiving

 I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Last year this time I was still in the hospital not being able to eat anything due to having and NG tube in from complications after my surgery to remove my Cancer in my colon. 

Since I finished my Chemotherapy back in July I have been getting really excited for the Holidays. My oncologist office adopted our family for Thanksgiving which was really nice they provided pretty much everything we could need for dinner. With prices they way they are on food I also got a free turkey from our local Shop Rite from spending so much money on food during a set period of time. I tried to gift the turkey but no one ever responded so we ended up cooking 2 turkeys. 

Cooking the turkeys was a nightmare. When we moved here my Turkey roaster never made it so we bought one of those counter top roasters that everyone raves about. Well ours never cooked the turkey so when we should have been eating we were just putting it into our oven. I think we just got a damaged turkey roaster and I am not sure when we bought it so I couldn't return it to the store so we just had to throw it away. 

Once the turkey was done the feast was ready to be eaten, and boy did we eat. I had a little bit of everything and enjoyed every bite. So very different from last year. When we were done, and getting ready for dessert my daughter Nesie came with her boyfriend Paul to drop Bean off for the weekend. I get Bean (our nickname for my granddaughter Lillyann) most vacations and holidays so they can work without worrying about her. 

They had thanksgiving with Paul's parents this year and his mom decided to just do a turkey breast. Nesie's favorite part of the turkey is the drumstick and oddly enough it is also Paul's favorite too. Since we made two turkeys they took three legs and left one here for Dorothy to pick at since it is her favorite part too. It was awesome to see the joy on their faces when they were wrapping up their turkey legs to enjoy later at their home. 

I was so excited to have most of my girls home at some point during thanksgiving and just overly thankful to be alive and enjoying time with my family. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. 

Homeschooling for the second year

 

We aren't new to homeschooling (we homeschooled my nephew who we have had since he was a baby) and wish we really did it with our first child and continued with all of them. With that being said on July 27,2021 we made the decision to homeschool our youngest child. Between Covid -19, remote learning, and the public school system doing a great disservice in teaching my children (at least the last two) we felt we needed to take the reigns so our youngest child would be better prepared for what the future may hold for her.

Little did we know I would find out that soon after that I had cancer and then find out it was Stage 3 Colon Cancer. My immune system was horrible, to begin with, Chemotherapy didn't make it any better so it was the right move at the right time. Even though last year threw us curve balls we made it through, seeing our child start to blossom, and finding out what she really enjoyed and what she hated in school was worth it. 

We are of course better prepared than we were last year and so far the school year is going well. 

Where I am today

 I thought I would update everyone on how everything is going. One thing I want to reflect on is my fight for disability. I was told when I was 11 years old that I should never work. Did I listen? No, I held down several jobs on farms, babysitting, and working in mom & pop stores as a teenager. Once I was married I worked in a grocery store, mom & pop store, ran my own child care for many years, worked with mentally and physically handicapped children and adults, worked for a movie theater, and did several freelance jobs. 

 When I was pregnant with our 6th biological child my Dr. made me promise once I had her I would not work anymore. I still tried to do freelance jobs which only caused me to get more sick until I just couldn't even do those anymore. 

 As you can see I have tried to make something of my blog but to be honest I don't make very much not enough to pay the bills but enough to get gifts for my family, but that isn't from what I write. That comes from doing surveys which takes time and you don't get rich from that, at least I haven't found a way to. 

 Then I do product reviews which is fun. I get to try out lots of products and introduce my family, friends, and readers to what is available and how I like it. Along with that, I am able to do giveaways for some of the companies as well as work with a whole assortment of bloggers in helping them with their giveaways. Again no payment just free items but it keeps me busy and I can work it around my being ill so often. 

 So back to my disability fight. It took me getting cancer for them to finally put it through. I am considered disabled for the rest of my life. We thought it would be the answer to our financial needs, and I would feel like I was contributing to our family's income. Sadly I was a wee bit short of the points to get SSI on my own. I know I may mess up the different programs up so I apologize, they are confusing enough. So they tried getting me money from another source and they say my husband already brings home too much in his own disability so I am not eligible. I am also not eligible for Medicare so I have to keep applying for Medicaid. 

 It certainly was not the answer we wanted, but it is what it is and has changed our future plans quite a bit, but we are going with it as the path we are supposed to be on and will keep plugging along. The worse part is my lawyer worked for over 7 years on my case and doesn't understand it all either. These are the only cases she does and has never seen one turn out like mine. She was only to get paid if I got money and I didn't so she literally spent years on my case for nothing in return. 

 I had planned to go see the Ocean which I have never seen when I made it through my treatments. We planned to make a big trip next Spring, but I don't think it will happen quite like we wanted it to. We wanted to stop at different places along the way to visit friends, family, and destinations. I know I'll make it to the ocean someday even if that is my children putting my ashes in the Ocean after I am gone. 

Today I awoke so my time here is not done. Thank you to those who stayed long enough to read and hope you will come back again. Hugs. 

Getting through the hard days

  I am a believer in Jesus and know not everyone's path is smooth. I have felt his presence every day. Even on the hardest days, it was him that got me through. Not that my family hasn't helped because they have and even friends helped out a few times bringing things we really needed to be able to get through this. I have several dear friends and family who checked in with me often, calling, sending texts, words of encouragement, things to make me laugh, and most of all praying for me. 

 My husband would just seem to know when I needed him most because I would be really upset or not feeling well. I sleep in the living room on an XL Twin adjustable bed while he sleeps in our room on our old bed. We hope to purchase the other half of my bed so that we can put them together in our room so we can sleep by one another again. Anyways I didn't always want to bother everyone when I was like that since they all did pretty much everything for me during my waking hours. He would just appear, pull over a chair and sit with me until I fell asleep. He even said he would often come out just to make sure I was still breathing.

 He prayed for me, played games with me, cried with me, and made me laugh when I needed it most. Oh don't get me wrong there were days he was so tired even with the help of the kids that he just needed a break, not as many as he would have liked to have I am sure, but when he was able to get a break it seemed like for a while after he would have the strength to get me through some more days. 

 There were nights I told my husband and God that if I died that night I would be OK. I am ready to go home, but sure enough, I would wake up the next day and know that God wasn't done with me yet. I wish I knew what my purpose was but most people never know and it isn't seen or realized until after they are gone. Miracles can be like that too. 

 I have been blessed in my lifetime to have seen many miracles. Some may never get the chance or shall I say open their eyes enough to see them happen. I wish believing in God was easy for everyone. I know there are those who may read this and not have a relationship with God or even believe in him, but that is your choice this is mine and I am not pushing it on you, just relating to how I have gotten through my life. Take what you will but don't be mean just out of spite. Everyone's path is different. You are on yours I am on mine. I wish well to all those who read my blog and hope this will touch everyone in some way. Until another day. Hugs. 

Scan and Test results.

 I haven't really written about my health issues since it all began but will be backtracking and adding in posts and hope to be able to have them in some kind of order if you would like to go back and read from the beginning. If the latter is true then just keep your eyes open for that post. 

 When this all began I wanted to keep an online journal here on my blog but things went so quickly even though at the time it didn't seem quick at all. I thought so many things would happen or I would have time for this or that but to my surprise, it didn't go quite like I would have liked it to. 

 For anyone just hoping on this rollercoaster, I call my life, Welcome, grab something to drink maybe even a snack. My name is Pamela, I have been married to my husband for 32 years and dating him for 33 years. We have 6 children. My son is 31, my daughter Samantha is 28, Bryan is 25, Nesie is 25, Deanna is 19, and Dorothy is 14. We also have 4 grandchildren 2 grandsons and 2 granddaughters. 

 I was adopted by my paternal Uncle and his wife. They are who I take about whenever I write about my parents if I talk about my biological then that will be the term I use while talking about them. My parents received me when I was two weeks old. 

 I hadn't been feeling well for quite some time (although to be honest I have been getting sick from the very day I was born). I kept losing strength and sleep was taking up most of my days and nights leaving me feeling even more tired. I knew something was wrong and when I found out I had diverticulitis we thought that was the answer but during a colonoscopy to check on my diverticulitis and at the time seeking a surgeon to remove my sigmoid from my colon they found a mass which they cut and removed which showed Cancer. 

 They were pretty sure they had it all and that I was at most stage 1 Colon Cancer but once they were able to do the Cancer Removal Surgery my results came back Stage 3 Colon Cancer. It had spread to my lymph nodes. As I said I am working on getting my notes from the last year or so together and adding them here so we are now going to take a big jump to now. 

 I finished my chemotherapy on July 21st. I had a few appointments after that date that will be added as I go along but we are going to keep our attention on my first set of scans and tests since then. 

 I had my colonoscopy in mid-September 2022. I have hemorrhoids, and my diverticulitis is still there, but where they did my surgery has healed well, and looks beautiful they said. My mammogram came back clean, but I am still waiting on the ultrasound they took of my ovaries. No news is good news, right? I see that Dr. later this month.

 I had my cat scans last Thursday. My Oncologists office called today to go over them with me. There is something on my thyroid (I already have hypothyroidism, and growth in the same area but not attached to the thyroid) that I didn't get the name of but will be confirming what action is needed next with my Primary Doctor who was given a copy of the scans. Called today but he had already left for the day so hope to hear from him by tomorrow. My oncologist is monitoring a few nodules on or in my lungs. Do forgive me I will update you when I know which it is. Instead of having a clear scan and being able to go another 6 months till my next scan I will be getting more scans in three months to check on my lungs.

 I had hoped to give everyone the all-clear for the next 6 months but it just isn't the case. I guess once you get Cancer you are always waiting for it to strike again. I didn't worry about it till I had it and now I can't shake the feeling of dread every time there is a test no matter how positive I try to be. I have a hard time sleeping and want to spend as much time with my family as I can. There is just never enough time to do it all. 

Pump disconnect days are the worst

Another picture from my nephew. 

Monday I was able to start up my Chemotherapy treatments and today I got my pump disconnected. We changed my schedule due to changes in our lives. I had an appetite on Monday, it was Ok yesterday with some nausea in the evening, nausea this morning before going for pump disconnect, then we made a quick trip to Walmart to pick up a bath mat for in the shower so I don't slip, and a thick mat for when I get out of the shower, as well as a floppy sun hat and sunglasses that I will need for when I am out in the sun. I looked in the mirror while trying on sunglasses and saw for the first time some bald spots on my head so it is time to order some hats, wigs, and or scarves. I really thought I would handle this part of it better but it makes me so emotional. I know it will grow back but God gave it to me as a covering and losing it is like losing part of myself. Anyways I also picked up a new nightgown and then home we went where a big box of cooked meals was delivered. They are frozen and just need to be heated up. More on that later. I was able to eat a little lunch and just took another anti-nausea pill hoping it kicks in, so maybe I can get a little nap in. I want to thank everyone who calls, texts, and visits to check on me. It is so much appreciated. Keep those prayers coming. Hugs.

 

My oncologist says Chemotherapy on Monday

 I saw my oncologist today. I start chemotherapy again next Monday. Even though the Surgeon gave the ok she is really worried about my open wounds, so they will be keeping a close eye on me. She also checked the discoloration in my hands which is from chemotherapy, and will also be keeping an eye on that as well as neuropathy. I have some of the use of my left arm and back about 60 % and about 85% of my right hand back. She is hoping chemotherapy won’t set that back but it could. I lost another two pounds even with my good appetite but they say healing after surgery burns a lot of calories, my body must be working overtime, there are so many things it is trying to heal at the same time. So we are a go to move forward. Keep those prayers coming. Love you all. Hugs

Feels so good

 

The other day I got to take my first real shower since before my operation. It felt so good, but boy did it make me tired. Thank you Nesie Alana for my new nightgown.

Can start Chemotherapy again

Health update. Sorry, it has been so long. We have gotten my bowel movements under control at least for now but we are not ready to move the commode back into the bathroom yet. My appetite is pretty good. Still losing weight but not as quickly, at least for now. I saw my surgeon last week and he cleared me to start chemotherapy. He wants to see me in another month to check on my open wounds. I went from one deep open wound to two open wounds due to one of the surface wounds opening up from friction from my breast rubbing on it. My surgeon told me when I start chemotherapy the healing of my wounds will slow down so we have to continue to change the dressing twice a day and keep an eye open for any infection. I see my oncologist Monday if everything is a go I will start treatment up again this week or the next at the latest. I will update again once I see her. I still have a long way to go. Keep those prayers coming. Hugs.

Medical supplies have arrived

 

Most of the supplies for my open wound care is here except the clear covers so I can shower.

Appointment with Primary

 Had my appointment with my primary this afternoon. He said I looked better than he thought I would. Loved the rings my husband got me for Valentine's day, checked and redressed my open surgical spot, filled me up with migraine medication and we caught up on me, and our visit was over till March. At the Dr.s, I ran into one of my cousins from my mom's side and we caught up as well. I literally haven't seen her since my mom died in 2004. I have been thinking of her and praying for her. It was great to see her today. While out and about with my daughter I did a Walmart shop hadn't been in a store since before Christmas. Stocked up on some needed items. Now home resting and getting ready to eat a late dinner with my family. Chili is very mild with Cornbread.

Even though my plates look full I really only eat very little of it but I am still getting nourishment. Some of the meals I have been enjoying are fruit and yogurt, chili, steak, mac and cheese which I have to be careful with makes me feel a bit queasy, green beans, apple sauce, and very mild chili (Dennis Marks Jr. did a good job), canteloupe, scrambled eggs and toast with jam. Tomorrow we are having Cabbage, carrots, potatoes, kielbasi for everyone else, and ham for me. I have had a good appetite so we are taking advantage of it. I am down another 5 1/2 pounds due to the week of not eating between surgery and not feeling well.

While in the hospital

 

They weren’t all gloomy days at the hospital the day after my surgery I had the spa hospital treatment full bed bath, hair wash, that cap is amazing it washes your hair and a rub down with lotion, she even helped me brush my hair. It made me feel so much better. Little things really do make a difference.

Trying something new

 When we did my hair last night we lost a lot of hair so my daughter braided it hoping it will be less stressful on my hair while I am sleeping.

Gallbladder Operation

 My husband did his best to keep everyone updated but got a few things wrong. What Dennis Marks Jr. didn't tell you about my surgery. He wasn't there before they put me out for the operation, things just didn't align. Once he got there he got all settled and after about 5 and a half hours, someone came to my husband and said he needed to go to a conference room. He immediately thought he had lost me. The things that must have gone through his mind in those minutes before the Dr. walked in and asked why he was crying and he said he thought I had died. The operation was over two hours longer than it should have been. Sometime between when I had my scan and when I had my operation my gallbladder burst. Now I have had several operations at this hospital and this was the first time they called him into a conference room, they usually just come right up to him to talk to him.

My heart is filled with Joy

I'll update as strength provides. I was able to eat a bit of dinner last night, and a little bit of breakfast, and I am looking forward to dinner. I was able to get on my computer for a short time. My left arm is really weak so typing is quite a chore, to say the least. I made it through the night without messing myself which is a real huge milestone for us. You would never think poop would be so exciting or scary but we have seen both sides now. God's grace has been so overwhelming for me. Jesus is so good to me. Thank you for all of the support, uplifting words when I needed it most, calls, texts, and those who have gone above and beyond making sure we have supplies and the things we need to get through this. My heart is filled with joy to see the good that is in people. Keep those prayers coming. Hugs

Better Day

 Much better today, the nurse came, and I am picking at a little lunch. A long way to go but ready to move forward. Thank you to everyone who has reached out to us and supported us through this. Keep those prayers coming. Hugs

This is a reminder that when I am better we are taking a beach vacation so I can see friends, family, and most of all the ocean for the first time. My nephew posts a photo almost every day of the scenery from his job and home for me.

Rough Day

 Really rough day for everyone. We just can’t keep up with the laundry with no dryer, and my incontinence is really bad, just feel so useless. When your granddaughter asks why you can’t just get better. Breaks my heart.

We can't afford Disney

 

We can’t afford Disney so Dennis Marks Jr. bought Mickey Mouse for me and he got me a new engagement ring and wedding band, the rings were hidden in the chocolate box.

Update from my husband

 Post my husband put on my Facebook page.

Hello everyone, this is Dennis Marks Jr., Pam's husband...she wanted me to give an update on her recent situation. Today she had her gallbladder removed. The operation took five hours, this is approx. two hours longer than it should have due to the nature of the condition of the said gallbladder. Apparently, it was pretty well messed up and the scans had shown that she had a lot of gallstones the doctor spent extra time making sure he got everything that needed to come out due to the fear that if he had to go back in for anything else she would most likely end up with a hernia.

Pam is currently resting in her room and would really appreciate prayers. During the last operation she went through her stomach and intestines didn't want to work well together and she ended up needing an NG tube to suck everything in her stomach out from the previous three days. She and I would really appreciate prayer that this will not happen again. I would like to thank everyone in advance and also for all previous prayers. I don't go onto Pam's Facebook unless she asks me to so I don't always have the opportunity to thank the many wonderful and Christ-filled friends.

Thank you all again,